I wonder how you are,
If constellations do align.
Minds may share when eyes don’t see,
I touch a thought and spun a rhyme.
A part of me hurts and yearns,
But I’m learning, off again.
Set my heart and drink my fill,
If only just only,
What more can I say,
What say you.
Psychotherapy sessions have stopped this week, the 3 main stressors remain as so. I have accepted dysthymia as part of my life. Because of it, episodes of happiness are more than precious.
Is there justice? I question its existence frequently. It seems as though justice is only a foundational idea. We want to be treated fairly but it can only be a theory and it will always be limited in a semi-autocratic yet seemingly democratic arena. In the quest of it, to stand up for what I believe in, I am systematically weighed down. I choose not to anymore.
The tension with my family, with both parents, especially with my mum, has eased a little. I detest and resent their expectations of me even till today. No child should be shaped and molded like a product. I’m conscience clear of my filial duties but I will not hesitate to walk away from emotional blackmail. Will I regret if they pass on? My question is reflective. Will they regret if I pass on.
I love you mum. But I can never be who you want me to be.
Some families do not celebrate occasions because there isn’t a need to, every day is happiness. I do because my family is broken. Tough love, complicated and sensitive. The need for family therapy, work in-progress.
Love isn’t blind and unconditional, valuable lessons learned. It is very conditional. It was never meant to be, what more to say.
I bought a 990sqft home and my ideal interior design would be minimalist black and white. It’s small but I am already contented. I’ve always wanted a home filled with happiness because home is where the heart is. Looking forward.
An article writes that it is difficult to make friends after 30. People have greater work and family commitments, true. But from how I see it or rather experience from it, it is the inability to create effective bonds due to self-imposed restrictive criteria.
We develop a set of guidelines, rules and even a checklist to define bonds from the moment we interact. Drawn to negatives more than positive qualities, we judge a character almost immediately. How often do we reflect upon ourselves towards others? Our arrogance, our acquired tastes and the principles and ethics we demand outwardly. Seldom do we compromise or tolerate differences. There will always be ‘someone else’ who understands us and shares ‘similar perspectives’. Are we not always righteous because we are proud?
To sum it all, we are simply self-centered, selfish and insensitive.
I am fortunate to have a close friend who doesn’t even subtly tell others her greatness and achievements. Outstandingly, she doesn’t manipulate others to her benefits and her positive energy is infectious. With her encouragement and support, I am stabilizing, improving and recovering.
Friends don’t hurt friends.
Like a heart that needs a beat, when the 2 worlds collide, it is the best thing that has happened to me, I am finally ready. Through life’s thick and thin, I want to grow old with this person who is of caliber. This year is becoming a happy year for me. It is my new beginning. It is now.
We gave ourselves a treat and reserved a table for 2 at Bread Street Kitchen. Ordered Roasted Black Cod, was delicious but could be a little less salty. Dingley Dell Pork Belly had an interesting mix of flavours. They had my favorite Moscato d’Asti on the menu. Any wine from the Asti region, Piedmont Italy, is good.
For dessert, we drove to The Sunday Folks at Holland Village. Sweet.
Great food, wine, dessert and especially the company. Welcome home.
I like how you enjoy my cooking and how I can prepare a meal without being judged. A simple lunch, just ham cheese and egg sandwiches, mash potatoes with bacon bits, greens cherry tomatoes croutons with light dressing and juice. You are not particular on how the dishes are ‘executed’ or critically demand celebrity chefs’ highest standards of perfection. You make me feel at ease around you all the time, I can just cook.
My ideal interior decor will be minimalist style. Monochrome. At its most basics to give home a calming effect. Open kitchen concept, black, white, dark oak, earthly tones for finishing as well as furnishings. Looking forward.
It is a constant fight with my inner demons throughout this course of moving forward. My weakness is emotions especially in dealing with love emotions, I am most vulnerable. In spite of my independence in most aspects of living, I am dependent when pursuing happiness.
Destiny is not in our stars to hold.
Some had theirs easy, some take years and for some, they may never in their lifetime.
What I have significantly learned is not to have an attachment to any estalishments. Connections don’t come easy, compatability is another. Chemistry comes in sexual and non-sexual and if there’s love, this emotion opens a gateway to many possibilities of aligning differences and changing tides. But only, if it’s mutual.
I am not able, tested and not ready. I have to stop and I did in the most uncouth mannerisms.
Perhaps what I need isn’t a sky full of stars but just familarity, comfort and calmness. In return for that sense of security and assurance, I am empowered to become one who is healthy, controlled, motivated and aspiring.
R could be the only one who chose not to abandon ship and saw a port-o-call.
I willingly shed my energy, effort and time for one who perhaps only regard me as an option, this is an accumulation of how I feel. Frustrations are built over time and over the months I become more erratic and sad. I truly have nothing to be realistically happy about or looking forward to becoming.
It is necessary to happen and it will be ugly. This liason is fragile, it does not and will not withstand any shakes. All it takes is a spark. However it is put forward, be it in cryptic scraps or the most obnoxious criticisms and insults, it will be done.
How do you close a chapter? Everyone has their own set of traditional or unorthodox methods. For this, I went for a crash & burn.
Regards to health and wellness, my body reacts perfectly to my mind. I am just unwell.
All I’ve been pursuing in this 3 years is happiness.