Friendships.

I joined a whatsapp interest / chat group recently. It was a leap forward and a deliberate push to socialize with people not from my league. As expected, the frequency was at multi-levels, from the introverted to the extroverted spectrum.

People and interpersonal relations are complex. One doesn’t have to specifically make an effort to make friends. At the same time, one isn’t guaranteed friends regardless of effort. There is no pass or fail unless one has an objective. So what is mine?

Quality vs. Quantity.

It is just us three,
The robin, me and the cherry tree.
The bird told the tree,
And the tree looked through me.
Like a pane in the glass,
Nobody knows except me.

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A Poem.

I wonder how you are,
If constellations do align.
Minds may share when eyes don’t see,
I touch a thought and spun a rhyme.

A part of me hurts and yearns,
But I’m learning, off again.

Set my heart and drink my fill,
If only just only,
What more can I say,
What say you.

Happy Birthday.

18th May.

Psychotherapy sessions have stopped this week, the 3 main stressors remain as so. I have accepted dysthymia as part of my life. Because of it, episodes of happiness are more than precious.

Is there justice? I question its existence frequently. It seems as though justice is only a foundational idea. We want to be treated fairly but it can only be a theory and it will always be limited in a semi-autocratic yet seemingly democratic arena. In the quest of it, to stand up for what I believe in, I am systematically weighed down. I choose not to anymore.

The tension with my family, with both parents, especially with my mum, has eased a little. I detest and resent their expectations of me even till today. No child should be shaped and molded like a product. I’m conscience clear of my filial duties but I will not hesitate to walk away from emotional blackmail. Will I regret if they pass on? My question is reflective. Will they regret if I pass on.

I love you mum. But I can never be who you want me to be.

Some families do not celebrate occasions because there isn’t a need to, every day is happiness. I do because my family is broken. Tough love, complicated and sensitive. The need for family therapy, work in-progress.

Love isn’t blind and unconditional, valuable lessons learned. It is very conditional. It was never meant to be, what more to say.

I bought a 990sqft home and my ideal interior design would be minimalist black and white. It’s small but I am already contented. I’ve always wanted a home filled with happiness because home is where the heart is. Looking forward.

After 30.

An article writes that it is difficult to make friends after 30. People have greater work and family commitments, true. But from how I see it or rather experience from it, it is the inability to create effective bonds due to self-imposed restrictive criteria.

We develop a set of guidelines, rules and even a checklist to define bonds from the moment we interact. Drawn to negatives more than positive qualities, we judge a character almost immediately. How often do we reflect upon ourselves towards others? Our arrogance, our acquired tastes and the principles and ethics we demand outwardly. Seldom do we compromise or tolerate differences. There will always be ‘someone else’ who understands us and shares ‘similar perspectives’. Are we not always righteous because we are proud?

To sum it all, we are simply self-centered, selfish and insensitive.

I am fortunate to have a close friend who doesn’t even subtly tell others her greatness and achievements. Outstandingly, she doesn’t manipulate others to her benefits and her positive energy is infectious. With her encouragement and support, I am stabilizing, improving and recovering.

Friends don’t hurt friends.

Like a heart that needs a beat, when the 2 worlds collide, it is the best thing that has happened to me, I am finally ready. Through life’s thick and thin, I want to grow old with this person who is of caliber. This year is becoming a happy year for me. It is my new beginning. It is now.

 

F&B.

We gave ourselves a treat and reserved a table for 2 at Bread Street Kitchen. Ordered Roasted Black Cod, was delicious but could be a little less salty. Dingley Dell Pork Belly had an interesting mix of flavours. They had my favorite Moscato d’Asti on the menu. Any wine from the Asti region, Piedmont Italy, is good.

For dessert, we drove to The Sunday Folks at Holland Village. Sweet.

Great food, wine, dessert and especially the company. Welcome home.

I like how you enjoy my cooking and how I can prepare a meal without being judged. A simple lunch, just ham cheese and egg sandwiches, mash potatoes with bacon bits, greens cherry tomatoes croutons with light dressing and juice. You are not particular on how the dishes are ‘executed’ or critically demand celebrity chefs’ highest standards of perfection. You make me feel at ease around you all the time, I can just cook.

Keep Walking.

It is a constant fight with my inner demons throughout this course of moving forward. My weakness is emotions especially in dealing with love emotions, I am most vulnerable. In spite of my independence in most aspects of living, I am dependent when pursuing happiness.

Destiny is not in our stars to hold.

Some had theirs easy, some take years and for some, they may never in their lifetime.

What I have significantly learned is not to have an attachment to any estalishments. Connections don’t come easy, compatability is another. Chemistry comes in sexual and non-sexual and if there’s love, this emotion opens a gateway to many possibilities of aligning differences and changing tides. But only, if it’s mutual.

I am not able, tested and not ready. I have to stop and I did in the most uncouth mannerisms. 

Perhaps what I need isn’t a sky full of stars but just familarity, comfort and calmness. In return for that sense of security and assurance, I am empowered to become one who is healthy, controlled, motivated and aspiring.

R could be the only one who chose not to abandon ship and saw a port-o-call.