Medication keeps me sedated of the truth and the reality. When I’m off, my senses sharpened. Though surroundings are harsh, at least they are real. Year 2015 is life changing for me. Restarted business, the love of my life left and discovered I’ve thyroid, treatment is immediate and I’m scheduled for psychiatric evaluation. Never knew grief and trauma could be this devastating but the harsh truth should strengthen determination and speeds up the process of recovery.
Grief. I grief for the lost of a best friend, soulmate and love. She was my everything. She was my happiness.
“I love you and I will come back.”
In this period of absence, I’d moved in every direction she’d wanted. From being together and living apart to let’s try again and date to being just friends till no contact at all. No matter what was said, she would always be silent or reply with a it’s-not-going-to-work. I am never good enough for her.
It doesn’t take a day to melt an ice mountain.
From a love that strong to fade till nothingness in less than 2 weeks, It can be quite unbelievable. With each passing day, it gets clearer that she never wanted this nor us. Instead of working things out like all couples in a fight, amidst all, who truly love and care for each other, she’d wanted to max out the 3 months of timeout. I felt only coldness.
Our shared moments on Instagram were already swiftly removed. Old logs and marsh were cleared paving for new roads, new directions, new people. Discarding the old, embracing the new.
Neither do I have any well wishes for her nor do I hate her. My tears stopped today in understanding that this love and respect were never mutual nor equal. It is real and it paces with the reality. There is only emptiness in my heart. In spite of all that unfolded, somehow there’s a screaming raw energy of determination to recover and to pull myself up from this abyss. This lesson learnt will forever be remembered.
The greatest things in life are not materials, money, realizing dreams and achieving goals. It will be most fortunate to have that one person in life who will regardless of all, brave the storms and willingly stand by you through thick or thin and share all your moments of anxiety, anguish, exhilaration and joy. It is not possessive nor obsessive. It is not sacrificial either. It is simply a willingness for another. To me, this is true love.